Good Fathers aren't Always Good Men and Good Husbands

 

It's Father's Day. So, let's talk about the hype men today.

I'll talk about my late dad.

As a daughter, I couldn't ask for a better father. He was attentive, caring, and unabashedly proud of my achievements.

He was a real worrier while I was ambitious. His constant advice was for me to be wary of strangers, and not consume anything given by any unknown person.

Being wary is one thing.

Being s*xually ab*sed is another. And the ab*se didn't happen because I trusted strangers. It happened because I existed as a female, vulnerable human. If my dad knew, he'd be heartbroken.

But he conspired to take my mom as his second wife. Turns out, he's one of the people he was warning me about, for my mom. And he was her maternal uncle, not a stranger.

At that time, he was the most educated man in my family and he let pride get to his head. Because I was his youngest - I was born when he was 50, I didn't witness his elitist side. Nevertheless, it doesn't negate his atrocities.

He looked down on his own family who were labor class - including his sister, my mom's mom. Ballistic over the choice of his nieces' husbands (oppressed caste origins), he forbade my mom from attending their weddings and visiting her mom and siblings. My mom was beaten for going against his diktats.

My dad retired when I was seven. From then onwards, his downfall began. He desperately clung onto his male authority and ego by forbidding my mom to go to the city, work, raise, and educate me.

My mom was sl*t shamed. He said that the only thing she can do in the city as a single mom is pr0stitute herself. When my mom retorted that my dad's mom was a single mom - did she raise her children by pr0stituting herself, my dad hit her until she bled from her head.

The same, abusive, domineering man traveled two hours on his motorbike every month to take me to my ENT specialist. He beat my mom but never laid a finger on me. He comforted me when I was beset with period cramps when I was a child. 

That kind of gentleness, love, and devotion was only for me, his youngest daughter. Everyone else was either beneath him or inferior to him.

My father was outstandingly good to me. But he was neither a good man, nor a good husband. This is why the question, "Did your dad r@pe you for you to say, "Yes, all men?" is unthinking. My dad didn't r@pe me. However, he might've committed marital r@pe. His friend, who had two daughters, didn't m0lest the girls. He was their father and he m0lested his friend's daughter, me.

This Father's Day, I urge you all to be good men and husbands. Then automatically you'll be a good father and set an example for sons to follow.