I Judged a Friend for Having Consensual Sex with Her Boyfriend

In the past, I had the thought process that "virginity" is the be all, end all. like AJ Bhairav and his followers. And I've spoken harshly and treated a friend badly because she had a boyfriend and had sex with him.

Trigger warning: Mentions of grooming and statutory rape.

Let's call my friend Khaya. She was from a Tamil primary school and we met in high school. Before long, we became friends although we were in different classes - we lived in the same neighborhood and boarded the same school bus. She helped me learn to take the public bus as we had cocurricular activities in school on Saturdays. She also helped me speak Tamil better. Soon, she hooked up with our school bus driver's son (he was much older than us). We were 13 and he was at least 18. 😶

Khaya borrowed my Alien Workshop tee one Saturday when we went to the city library 👽. Later, she took off with her boyfriend. I finished studying at the library and went home.

On Monday, Khaya returned my tee and told me that she had sex with her boyfriend. Essentially, it was statutory rape but I didn't know it then. She showed me the hickeys he gave her and I was repulsed - as she did it wearing my outfit, I was even more revolted. 🤮

From that day, I started distancing myself from Khaya. I wouldn't sit beside her in the school bus and I went to school on public buses on my own. She noticed it and confronted me. I told her that her "sexapades" with her so-called boyfriend were reprehensible and that if I stick with her, I'll probably become a sl*t like her. ✂

I remember the hurt in Khaya's eyes. But I didn't care. In fact, I tried hard to silo myself from those Indian girls in school who have relationships with boys, thinking I'd be doomed if I mingle with them. 💀💀💀

Now, I think that I was no different than these guys who sl*t shame women who have sexual experience. Whatever it was, it's her business and I had no business judging her. 😓😓😓

I put the blame entirely on her. The fact that her boyfriend was an adult and he exploited her didn't seem to be valid to me. I was like, "If he made the move, she should've avoided him or physically resist. That's the hallmark of a good girl.👼" If she resisted, he could have harmed her. I should've brained that he is the one who should've been responsible - essentially, she was a child. 👶

The guilt is killing me now. It's been donkey's years but I still see the hurt in her eyes. Moreover, she was the one who taught me to be street smart. If I speak Tamil to this level today, I owe it to Khaya too. And I just flung her away just because she had consensual sex with her boyfriend. I don't know where she is now. 💩💩💩

That said, I don't recommend teenagers having sex. Especially with adults. To achieve this sex education is required, not abstinence. We need to ingrain that sex is a very small thing and ban porn and make educational videos on puberty and sex like the Netherlands did for kindergarten kids. It is taught like how math is thought. Hiding and purity culture will only lead to social disaster like grooming and statutory rape.

Though Khaya and I were too young for any of it - sex and judging people, this is what purity culture breeds. It gives you a sense of superiority and makes you judge people in the worst way possible. Lack of sex education and porn contribute to all kinds of issues - that was why a bunch of 12 year-old boys raped and killed an eight year-old girl in Andhra.