Is It Easy for Disabled Women to Get Married in Indian Society?

Call me ableist and insensitive - but I will say what I have to say about the sexism affecting only Indian disabled women.

I had a disabled female relative and a disabled female doctor (both with Indian roots and affected by childhood polio). They were used liberally as inspiration porn as they were successful in a world built for able bodied people.

However, marriage and romantic relationships eluded them - the words from my female relative rings sonorously in my conscience:

"They think disabled people should be grateful they’re allowed to exist – romantic relationships, intimacy, marriage are excess. To some extent, disabled men have more chances to find a life partner than disabled women in our patriarchal society. Patriarchy renders women like me unmarriageable. 

In the past, during the penn paarkum vaibavam (bride seeing) ceremony, right... They will ask the bride they came to see to walk, sing, ask her questions, and make her serve coffee and tidbits. This was to check if the bride has any physical disability, or anomaly.

Things didn't change much in modern times. The bride seeing ceremony may have gone out of vogue - these days it's called "nichayam" (confirmation). But disabled women in our community remain unfit for marriage."

After marriage, if the woman falls ill or acquires a disability, it's very normal for the husband to leave her at her parents' house and marry another woman. Men are more likely to leave their sick wives than women.  

In Indian society, as soon as a pregnant woman reaches her final trimesters and eventual confinement, she's sent to her parents' house to be taken care of. The hidden agenda behind the statement "She'll be happier at her parents'," is "She can't do any housework and needs to rest. Let's ship her off to her parents during this period where she is useless."

If this is the plight of a woman carrying a man and his family's next generation, imagine disabled women's plight - especially those who are severely disabled.

Unexpectedly, I fell gravely ill and became a wheelchair user when I was 19 going on 20. I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease. The late diagnosis rendered me disabled. 

That's me in the lilac saree. I wasn't disabled from birth.

My cousin's wife's brother had the hots for me when I was 19. He pursued me through a family arrangement. I was still studying. So, it was agreed that engagement would take place after I complete my university education - neither happened because of the emergent, aggressive, and life-threatening symptoms of my illness that beset me at the end of the same year.

That guy who pursued me relentlessly, married another healthy, able-bodied woman while I was still in the hospital, fighting for my life. My relatives' favorite topic was that how I won't be able to get married if I survived, not with this many health issues.

My half-sister (who hates my mom, my birth sister, and me) said that she’s very happy I won’t get married. Seriously, I didn't care - I was too busy strategizing Plan B - acquire a steady income, get financially independent, and take care of my mom.

I'd like to reiterate that it’s easier for disabled men to get married to an able bodied women in our society. This is because even in normal marriages, the ladies are expected to take care of their able-bodied husbands. This just extends to disabled males.

A disabled woman marrying an able-bodied man and moving in with her in-laws is very, very sparse. "Oh, welcome daughter-in-law. From now on we're your family and we'll wipe your ass whenever you need," said no Indian parents with able-bodied sons, ever. But any parents with a disabled son, would gladly welcome an able-bodied daughter-in-law who would serve them and their son.

An Indian woman marries to become a caretaker of her husband. When that Indian woman needs care herself, she's off the marriage market. 

The best shot an Indian disabled woman gets at getting married is getting married to another disabled Indian man.

My healthy, able-bodied, and Indian partner's parents didn't accept me because of my disability. It's unsurprising. They need a free maid, not a daughter-in-law to love. 

Of course, Indian men like my partner are as scarce as hen's teeth. He only wants to share his life with me because he fell in love with the woman I am. However, society will either view him as insane or a savior. I will be expected to sing "Nandri solla unaku, vartha illa enaku," every time he helps me get to bed and then has sex with me on the bed.

Insane coz, "What would you do with a disabled woman? She'll only bring trouble." Savior coz, "You gave her life. She should be indebted to you.

I am with my partner because I love him and it's likewise for him. My disability and his insistence to never leave me are only problematic for others, not for us.

I'm earning, investing, and saving up for my care in the future. That's the best thing to do as a person who is healthy or infirm, not finding someone to marry.

The silver lining is, however, if a man wishes to marry me, it wouldn't be to exploit me. It would be because he genuinely wants me and loves me. In that regard, I consider myself lucky.