Patriarchal Parents and Girls' Marriage Expectations

This scene in Modha Rathri, where Muthu says that her family never allows her to do anything has everything to do with girls' expectations from a marriage.

Hear her asking Maruthu is it wrong to live the life she wanted - and it is never about gold or a husband like Yash - they were simple wishes - a trip, a word of appreciation, to continue competing in zonal events. Because she didn't get any of these valid expectations, she was desperate to break free and proposed to Nitish.

This is behind the expectations of the girls in the Tamizha Tamizha show.

Circa 2017, when Karuththu Kannammaa page was gaining traction in India/Tamil Nadu, women from TN used to text us about their parents not allowing them to do anything - saying that they can do whatever they want after marriage, with their husbands.

From cutting their hair short to going on a trip, everything was denied and saved for "after marriage."

In fact, there is a very famous meme:

"Indian parents think that a 20 year old woman is mature enough for marriage and motherhood but not mature enough to go on a girl's trip."

This sums up how girls are not let to do things - they are told that marriage is the gateway to have whatever they want and their husbands will take care of what they want. They are also not allowed to fall in love - they're warned against it due to caste and family status, and tell them that they'll be married to the man of their dreams via arranged marriage.

Not a job. Not awareness. Not acquired street-smartness. 

So, what do these repressed 20 year-olds do? They ask for:

• Impossible amounts of gold and other wealth elements for marriage.
• Men who look like Yash, with beard, Malayalam boys hair style, etc.
• Shih Tzu dog - you know the list.

One girl had the ambition to go and work in Canada for a few years - her family told her, "No need to go to Canada for work. We'll find a boy who works in Canada for you to marry." Then imagine she didn't go to Canada. She comes to a talk show and says that she wants a husband who works in Canada.

Immediately, we gang up on her - telling her to go and work in Canada instead of expecting a groom who works in Canada, evoking feminism and equality. Memes circulate:

"`Boys study hard to work in Canada. Girls just marry to go to Canada." "All women are gold diggers and live in a fantasy world. Foids deserve nothing. Feminism is a farce. Men are oppressed. This is girls asking for dowry from boys." The reason behind her expectation doesn't only go unnoticed - it goes unsolved. 

We must dig deep on why these young girls expect someone who looks like an actor, or someone earning crores, and someone who can afford a world tour. Because that's how girls are raised. Feminism is non-existent in most Indian households and girls have a very small window to be married off before they become "aunties."

You ask to go on a trip - you get hit with you can go later with husband. You ask for something fancy, you are told its expensive - get it from your husband. You ask to study MBBS, you're told that the money saved up is for your wedding - and that they can find a doctor groom. You tell you want to be financially independent - you are told your husband will provide. 

On top of that, even men say that they want to provide, take care like a queen, and all those dialogues, but when a girl says it aloud in the name of expectation, everyone has an issue. As long as men want a submissive dependent wife to to take care of their household and children, and girls' families keep saying husband will do this and that, such expectations from girls will continue.

I'd like to remind women that your parents lied to you. When the time comes for you to have an arranged marriage, your expectations will be negated. You'll be told:

• Don't be selfish.
• If you have this many expectations, no one will marry you.
• Be mature and expect realistically.
• There's no boy in our caste who makes 3 lakhs per month,

And these Indian parents know that these men and their families are as controlling if not more. At the end of the day, these women get nothing. The only life they'll live is one of an unpaid, dependent domestic servant in the household of the men they married.

That's why women earning for themselves is life - no matter how little.

This is proof why feminism is still necessary:

• To break the patriarchy barriers on girls' lives and inequalities within Indian families
• To dismantle caste-based arranged marriages
• To empower women to understand how the world works and become financially secure
• To teach women that a rich husband isn't the answer - their own paid job is
• To make everyone understand what's necessary for married life and what isn't
• To keep family interference out of a marriage